I am so absolutely grateful that I am able to stay home with my children while they are small. I appreciate this opportunity to be with them day in and day out, for every smile, all of the giggles, and the constant changes.
But today? Today has not been fun.
Since early this morning, one of my children has been crying at any given moment. And at times, they’ve cried in chorus. I’m not sure what’s going on. But I do know that I feel like I’m going a bit crazy.
It’s a vicious circle I think…they cry, and I get tense and impatient, which they pick up on, and they cry more. Now they are both finally napping and here I sit. Crying.
There are times when I don’t handle things as well as I could and that guilt always creeps up on me, takes up residence in my heart, and gets cozy when they sleep.
An example? In order to go anywhere, we have to pass a park that Katie always points out. She waves and blows kisses to the park EVERY TIME we pass it. It’s so cute that we’ve actually video taped it so that we never forget the innocence and happiness that she radiates in that moment.
Well, today on the way home from swimming lessons, she was exhausted and didn’t notice when we passed the park until we were about a mile past it. Then came the tears and the pleas to turn the car around so that she could blow kisses. It would have taken me 4 additional minutes to indulge her, but I drove on, telling her that we had to get home for lunch and she would have to make up for it tomorrow.
We came home and she cried for a half an hour. Now, I’m not a novice, I know when I’m being played and that wasn’t the case. She was genuinely heartbroken and the sobbing was out of control. Then, Matthew, the sensitive soul that he is, began crying in a show of solidarity and it all just felt overwhelming.
So now I’m sitting here, regretting the way I handled it. And I’m thinking that in that moment, I wasn’t really present. I was going through a list in my head of all of the things that I needed to do. I just shrugged off something that was important to her. Something that would have been so easy to remedy.
When she wakes up? We’re getting in the car.