I have sat down to write no fewer than what feels like a thousand times and I can’t formulate my thoughts into a whole. My writing has become stream-of-consciousness at best. I sit down to write, I struggle through a few sentences, and then I walk away.
So, in an attempt to get back in the swing of things, I’m going to just go with my stream-of-consciousness writing and I’m hoping that you’ll all bear with me.
I feel like I’m betraying my mother-in-law’s memory by blogging so soon after her death. How can I write about everyday things when I have the gravity of her death on my mind?
I want to be able to write about the joys of summer, ice cream sandwiches, kiddie pools, and bike rides, but my mind is consumed with the fragility of life, fear of more heartache, and ways to hold my family even tighter.
I was lying in bed last night, thinking about how much fun it would be to go camping. My mind wandered to when the kids are a little older and I had visions of them wanting to sleep in their own tent. My heart started to race and I nearly had a panic attack lying there. I realized that I truly doubt that I will ever be able to let them have that kind of freedom.
When we were at the dentist today for Katie’s check-up, the dental hygienist led her out of the room without me to choose a reward for being so well-behaved. Anxiety gripped me immediately.
I’ve always struggled with anxiety, with fears of the worst possible thing happening and I’ve spent my share of hours talking to a professional about it. But now, I am feeling that familiar panicky undercurrent, nipping at my feet and it scares me.
My mother-in-law had struggled with health problems for quite some time and I think in some strange way, we took for granted that she’d always get through her challenges. She was so upbeat and determined. The latest hospital stay and her subsequent death truly caught me off-guard.
Now I’m feeling afraid of my own shadow.
I want to be carefree, I want my to make my children laugh, and I want to loosen my hold on them just a bit.
I want to blog again about happy and trivial things.
I’m going to keep writing and hope that little by little, I’m able to breathe a little easier and laugh a little quicker.
Thanks for hearing me out.